It just appears that the American Christian right is never short of a fight. Everything in the world is keeping them busy, which I guess is their own definition of ecumenism. After dragging this election’s campaign lobbies down in the dirt by claiming that Democrat candidate Barack Obama was a muslim – which, to the American people, might be an issue – the Christian right has decided it would take a stand on international affairs by asking the future president of the United States to stop the apocalypse, taking the form of « Russia rolling into Western Europe » and « homosexual scout leaders sleeping in tents with young boys », which the authors of this blog assume to be of the same scale of importance.

Charisma magazine, a pentecostal publication that we never, ever read was reported in Yahoo!News as saying that « electing Barack Obama as a president » was « the end of the world as we know it ». Considering that Obama has based his entire campaign on his willingness to cut loose with precedent administrations, and advocating change, this is not really surprising anyone. So far, editor Steve Strang is just stating the obvious. But we are not ones to leave poor young evangelicals in despair, staring at the impending doom and gloom ahead without any sort of emotional support. We will attempt, in this post, to answer all of their grievances in a positive manner.

Strang said gay rights and abortion rights would be strengthened in an Obama administration, taxes would rise and “people who hate Christianity will be emboldened to attack our freedoms.”

Steve – can I call you Steve? – I will not lie to you. Gay rights and abortion rights will indeed be strengthened under Barack Obama, and you have to understand that this has nothing to do with you. I am beyond trying to make you understand that homosexuals and women are human beings, creatures of God, just like you. This is a battle I lost a long time ago. But you shouldn’t let this bring you down, Steve. Just think about it. Your entire belief system is based on the fact that you have to struggle. If you bring about an administration that satisfies every one of your needs, what will you be doing? Nothing to pray for. No reason to go knocking on people’s doors. No more fundraisers in the name of anti-abortion bombers. You will be bored. Barack Obama plans on keeping you stimulated and fresh. You should welcome him.

However, Steve, I am much confused by your quote. So far, you are the one refusing freedom. You do not want gay people to marry, and you do not want women to have control over their own bodies. But no one has ever refused you the right to hate the way you do. Under Barack Obama, your freedom to teach intelligent design to your children will be maintained. People don’t hate Christianity, they just hate you. No one will be enabled to attack your freedom, Steve-o. People who hate you love freedom, even if it means your own personal freedom to put an end to people’s livelihood. It’s a beautiful world, Steve, and you’re a part of it!

Focus on the Family said that « a 6-3 liberal majority Supreme Court that results in rulings like one making gay marriage the law of the land and another forcing the Boy Scouts to “hire homosexual scoutmasters and allow them to sleep in tents with young boys. »

I would pretty much like to answer this point as well as I did with the former one, but I am afraid that my imagination does not reach as far as a Supreme Court ruling about Boy Scouts, let alone ruling about who the Boy Scouts should hire. I am sorry for failing you, Focus on the Family. I will spend the rest of my day doing the same acid you are and try to come up with a more relevent answer to your paranoia-triggered world distortion.

A series of domestic and international disasters based on Obama’s “reluctance to send troops overseas.” That includes terrorist attacks on U.S. soil that kill hundreds, Russia occupying the Baltic states and Eastern European countries including Poland and the Czech Republic, and al-Qaida overwhelming Iraq.

It would be more than important to specify what those disasters look like. Usually, a disaster is natural, such as, you know, hurricane and tsunamis. I don’t think that deploying troops in Iran will stop hurricanes from destroying homes in South Louisiana, unfortunately. Unless some scientists trained by Focus on the Family go to Iran to inspect their hurricane-making machines.

There has been terrorist attacks on US Soil. I consider bombing abortion clinics a terrorist attack. I consider electoral fraud an anti-constitutional attack meant at destabilizing the democratic mechanisms of the state. The heck, I consider Sarah Palin’s ignorance a terrorist attack against the American educative system. All of those did kill hundreds, or at least severely threatened their quality of life. I think we should Focus on those Families.

Russia occupying the Baltic states: I am sorry, I find myself extremely offended by such a comment. Nicolas Sarkozy, extremely reliable and competent French president, took upon himself to back up Vladimir Putin. « I am admirative of his strong commitment to human rights », he said at the 2007 G8 Summit. Vladimir Putin has a perfect, squeaky-clean KGB track record and would never, ever occupy a country under the false pretense of « bringing democracy to the masses », no ma’am. The case of Georgia and of Chechnya are issues of national security. I believe George W. Bush would back him up on this. How dare you call him a tyran? He shoots dangerous bears on his days off.

Al-Quaeda does not overwhelm Iraq. The US Army is currently overwhelming Iraq. Obviously, once the US troops withdraw from the country and hopefully return to their homes as safely as can be after fighting a war, Iraq will feel empty and lonely, you know, like after a bad break-up. I believe Focus on the Family believes in the strength of the United States: putting governments into place, like they did to secure Latin America in the 1980s. (it’s been so much better since).

Nationalized health care with long lines for surgery and no access to hospitals for people over 80.

Or, I don’t know, really, call me crazy here, but what if nationalized health care could build more hospitals? I mean, compared to the long lines for surgery and basic ‘flu remedies in free clinics, nothing can get worse. Usually, people over 80 access hospitals in ambulances. No worries, Focus on Families: this will never change.

I hope I managed to comfort and reassure all our evangelical and pentecostal friends out there. Giving fundamentalists a shoulder to cry on is the way to world peace. I will leave you with the words of Carrie Gordon Earll, senior director for Focus on Family: “If it’s a doomsday picture, it’s a realistic picture.”

Unbreakable logic.

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