Happy Chanukah, citizens of the world, something has taken place on this beautiful day to remind ourselves of the presence of a Lord that probably doesn’t exist but in his mercy has decided to bless us with something hilarious, totally spontaneous and just what we needed to end 2009 on a happier note than the rest of the year.

Silvio Berlusconi, guarding over Italy ever since too many years, a man who believes that totalitarianism is not such a bad idea and who entertains a certain fondness for young, beautiful Barely Legals he carefully places in his entourage so he can behave like a sleaze anytime he pleases, Silvio Berlusconi, the right-wing douchebag who has been a thorn in Europe’s side ever since his hair gel abuse graced the cover of his party (“Forza Italia”)’s paper, has been punched in the face.

© Reuters

Now I know that abuse against heads of state will never really match the spontaneity and glory of the Iraqi shoe-tosser; but it happened in different circumstances, and by someone whose country was occupied by the leader standing in front of him. If anything, tossing a shoe at George W. Bush is certainly tame considering what he really, really should be accounted for (war crimes tribunal, anyone?) but punching in the face the leader of your own country and kicking a few teeth out in the process, man, that’s kind of beautiful, and please pardon my atheist self when I say it resembles a Christmas miracle.

The irony of it is that Berlusconi has not been smacked in the jaw by a very self-righteous fist; he was attacked by a cheap replica of the Milan Cathedral. The 42-year-old man who hit the Prime Minister in the face “had been undergoing mental problems” for a certain time, according to early reports by Reuters, but I think this is a sign he’s on the road to a perfect recovery. Now don’t get me wrong, I will certainly not advocate physical violence on the internet, where so many influentiable souls could take this as a call for duty. The 73 years old Berlusconi said he’s “fine”, repeatedly, not like his counterpart Nicolas Sarkozy who was rushed to the nearest hospitals after fainting while jogging. Because of low blood sugar. No, Berlusconi is “doing just fine”, he can take a sucker punch to the face, even when said punch was performed by a tiny version of the House of God. Two teeth were the collateral damage of the incident, but Umberto Bossi, whose name is too easy to make fun of, quickly jumped to the conclusion that it was “an act of terrorism”.

Bossi, the head of the far right Northern League and close friend of Berlusconi (you don’t say!) assimilated the incident to 9/11, the Mumbai attacks, the London 2005 horror, well, any other act of terrorism in which a number of lives are lost, others are wounded, and … teeth are gone to the wind. Accused of being an “absolute monarch” by the President of the Lower Chamber, Berlusconi has been stripped of his favorite privilege – second to his sex scandals -, that of immunity from prosecution, and is facing trials on charges ranging from tax fraud to … corruption and… more tax fraud…, this said, losing two teeth is “an act of terrorism”.

According to Berlusconi, all of his recent falls from grace are all due to the acts of some mischevious “communist” members of his government plotting against his divine self. Like the Milan Cathedral, for instance.

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